result:negative

I'm not pregnant....
I will write more later but I wanted to get the news out to our faithful readers.

I'm chosing to keep my eyes focused on God...but I'm going to take some time to grieve.

Hopeful and humble...

I am hopeful that tomorrow's test results reveal a miracle is growing inside of me.

I am humbled by the work God is doing on my heart.

If you had told me this time last week that the afternoon before my test I would be cool, calm and collected I would have laughed in your face. And then I'm sure I would have cried. You see, I have been a ball of emotions for the past 6 weeks. But something has changed within me. God has been working overtime in continously telling me He is in control and revealing himself time after time. I'm sure He's done this all along but I've been too wrapped up to notice. I didn't take the time to LISTEN. I have cried out to Him thousaunds of times but I finally stopped to listen. It's like He's given me a breath of fresh air. Trust me...don't be afraid. Only He knows the outcome tomorrow and I can honestly say I'm prepared...I'm armed with whatever comes our way tomorrow.

I have been listening to the music of John Waller today. He is a fabulous Christian artist that has some amazing song lyrics. I want to share some lyrics that I wrote down to help me not lose track or focus.

*I will uphold you, just trust me with all your heart.
*Cling to the peace that guards your heart.
*Cling to the promise though you will stumble, you will not fall.
*Thou will keep me in perfect peace when my mind is stayed on you.

Obviously I don't always understand the things we all have to go through...but I have a reaffirmed faith and trust in God's plan. Bring it on.... I'm not afraid anymore.

I made a purchase yesterday...

For a while now I have been hearing a lot about Max Lucado's book Fearless. By no means am I a "reader". I read magazines...read blogs...read daily devotionals...but I've never been one to sit down with a good book and get lost in the pages. A dear friend sent me a video link of Max Lucado talking about his book Fearless. Ok God...I hear you...go buy the book. :) I'm very excited about sitting down and reading these pages. "Imagine your life without fear" it says on the front cover. Wow...how nice would that be??? God is tugging at my heartstrings...I just know it. I remember earlier this week crying out to God...please....give me a sign to help me through this...I need help. I truly believe this is His way of answering me. Read the book Kara...read the book.

I can't wait to share my review of this book when I'm done. Stay tuned...
http://www.maxlucado.com/fearless/

Prayers for positive thinking...

Well, today was embryo transfer. We ended up with one mid-grade embryo...and one that was not really grade worthy. However, both were transfered today. Obviously it was a huge let down that we didn't get better results. Dr. H. seems to think that there could be something wrong with my ovaries. I have no idea what that could be...it seems they've tested me for everything under the sun...but she really expected me to respond better than I have considering "on paper" everything has been great. She did say that she has had patients get pregnant from these quality of embryos. SO.........the bottom line is...while the odds aren't probable....it is still POSSIBLE for me to get pregnant from this transfer today. Without having any embryos left over to freeze...that means if I don't get pregnant from this cycle that is the end of the road for this shared risk plan. Will we go through another round of IVF? I have no idea. For now we are trying to just focus on this current cycle. I go back next Wednesday for my blood test to find out if I'm pregnant. Every part seems like the "hardest part"....but this definitely is. Jason and I have done everything possible we can to aide in the success of this...its all in God's hands now.

I am off work all of this week for rest, rest, and more rest. Please pray for my attitude to stay positive. It's so easy right now to just cry and already say it's not going to work...but I know deep down that I believe in miracles and there very well could be one happening inside me at this very moment. I'm just so afraid of getting let down again. But this is part of the process....I have to just trust His plan. 

And then there were FOUR!

Got a message early this morning from one of the embryologists. We now have FOUR cleaved embryos! One of the "unresponsive" embryos from Thursday pulled through and caught up to the other 3. So...for now we have 4 embies growing. (it's so crazy to me that 4 potential babies are growing in a petridish across town and not inside my body...) They said all 4 are in the grade range they like to see for this time...although, they didn't tell me what grade. I can't get a hold of anyone there now so I'm just going on what the voicemail told me. Still, anything can happen between now and Monday's transfer. We could get there any only have 1 viable embryo...or we could have all 4...it just depends. I'm really working on reminding myself that God has this under control. There is nothing Jason and I can do at this point except wait for our appointment on Monday.

The greatest miracle of all is being celebrated this weekend....I pray that Easter will always remind Jason and I of another great miracle as well. A child.

While I'm waiting..

I found this song on a new friend's blog. A fellow friend who is waiting on their miracle. I couldn't have needed these lyrics more today. It REALLY spoke to me today....I know it's God revealing himself through others.

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Lord, hear our prayers...

Here's the run down of our first report:
18 eggs retrieved
7 were mature*
3 fertilized embyos
*the remaing 4 are still "to be determined" they didn't test positive or negative...so it is possibe that by Saturday we could have more embryos.

When I first got the call earlier they told me we were dropped from the shared risk program because we didn't meet the criteria of 8 mature eggs. This news sent me into a tailspin because we would owe more money...thousands of dollars in more money that Jason and I just don't have. Since then, that information has been cleared up from Dr. H herself. They apologized profusely for giving us that misinformation. Since we met the criteria during cylce 1...we are still in shared risk. So, that is a relief that we won't owe more  money. However, I am disappointed in our results. I know it only takes one...and these 3 embryos could be the best quality ever....but I'm still disappointed. We won't get a report tomorrow...but we will get a report on Saturday. This is such a crucial time right now. It's very possible that we get news that none of the 3 made it...which means there is nothing to transfer on Monday. But it's also possible that all 3 make it and are viable embryos.

As far as how I'm feeling physically....not too great. I'm still cramping pretty bad and I don't know what I was thinking by going to work today. I've since left work and am now resting in my bed...I'm about to medicate myself with some demerol and phenergan and hopefully drift off into sleepy time for a while. I'm just exhausted emotionally and physically.

So for now...faithful prayer warriors....please fall to your knees and lift us up. We need it more than ever at this moment.
Lord, hear our prayers...