Reflection...

Obviously my mind isn't 100% clear after the news broke yesterday......but I have had some time to reflect on the situation and try to wrap my mind around my feelings. Between the tears...the kleenax...and the swollen puffy eyes...I'm trying to focus on the things I told myself from the beginning that I would focus on if this cycle didn't work. For starters.......losing this weight. Fertility drugs are no joke and I've gained about 20 pounds in the past year. I'm past the point of being mad at myself for not exercising more...blah, blah, blah. It is what it is and now I can focus on losing the weight and get back to the size I want to be. For the most part it's something I can control and I need to feel back in control of some aspects of my life. Hmmm...well sitting here I can't think of what else is on my list...(my mind is a bit jumbled) but I think the weight loss goal is enough for starters.

A lot of you have asked what is next for our journey. We have a follow up appointment with Dr. H. on Tuesday to discuss everything. We aren't sure what her recommendations will be...but anxious to hear what she has to say. I'm sure Jason and I will be armed with lots of quetions for her. A lot would have to change in the course of treatment for me to agree to do a 3rd round of IVF. I just can't put myself...Jason...my emotions...my body...my heart through it all again...unless there is something they can treat me for that could result in better quality eggs. I don't even know if that is possible. After our appointment we are just going to take some time for US...take a step back and then after some time decide what to do next.

As for how I'm feeling......well.....it ain't pretty. It's unexplainable. The emotions are gut wrenching and this is without a doubt the hardest situation I've ever encountered in my life. All I can do is ask God to pick me up and carry me. The sadness in my heart...and Jason's heart is just pitiful. I know in time the wounds will heal but there are definitely going to be scars left on our hearts.

Thoughout this storm....our family and friends have really been our light. I cannot even express in words how meaningful all of the emails, calls, texts, Facebook messages, blog comments, real hugs, virtual hugs, cards, gifts have been. There isn't a lot about my life that I understand...but what I DO know is that God has blessed me above and beyond with an amazing support system. 

I'd like to say a special thank you and I love you to my husband. Your courage and your strength and your love has been validated to me every day...God blessed me with an amazing husband and I couldn't ask for anything more. Whatever lies ahead for us next...I'm just glad we are going to explore it together. Thank you for holding me when I cry and making me laugh when I am sad.

Stay tuned for whatever is next in The Oliver's Journey....