I know...it's been a long time since I've written a blog post. I want to thank all of you who have requested updates and check daily for a new post! I means so much to me that so many of you are keeping track with our journey. We decided to wait until the first of the year to go through our next IVF round. The Christmas season is so filled with joyous occasions...parties...and FUN, so we wanted to do just that - have some fun and not worry about shots, doctor's appointments, etc. Having said that I took a step back from writing because there really weren't any updates right now. But I've realized that this blog just isn't about keeping the readers up to date with the next step...but it's about sharing my thoughts and feelings about this journey. Just because there haven't been any recent appointments doesn't mean there aren't things to share and write about. So, today's post is really a therapeutic one for me and to get some of these feelings out that are overwhelming me today.
It's brutal honesty time....I'm having a hard day. A really hard day. This happens from time to time. Don't get me wrong...the longing for a child is something I struggle with EVERY DAY. But some days are harder than others. And I'm kind of mad at myself right now. I'm mad that I couldn't even bring myself to go to my nephew's Christmas school program today. I couldn't stop crying long enough to finish getting ready and go watch him sing. Because I couldn't sit there watching all of those precious children and the proud parents with their video cameras and adoring faces. When you want something so badly you don't want to be in the presence of others that have that joy. It's extremely selfish on my part and that's why I'm mad at myself. I'm mad that these fertility problems take such a toll on me and suck the life out of me. I try so hard to not let my condition get the best of me, but sometimes it just takes me over. I keep thinking about our next IVF round coming up. I'm glad that at least this time we will know what to expect...but that can also be a downfall. I'm so scared it's not going to work and experiencing that agonizing emotional pain again. How can I not think about that? it didn't work the first time..I'm obviously going to have a hard time believing it will work this time. I've always been an optimistic person. But this journey has changed that in me. Don't get me wrong...I truly believe everything happens for a reason...but that doesn't mean I'm necessarily optimistic. Even sitting here writing this I'm mad that I even have these thoughts...but this is how I'm feeling at this present moment. I see all of my friends that have these beautiful families and are so full of wonderful moments of being parents....gosh, I so want that. We want that. I can't help but think if I don't become a mom that something will be missing from my life...like I won't be complete or whole until that day comes.
There are so many of you out there who are praying for me and Jason. Please, please, please continue to do so. I (especially) am really in need of some prayer. I'm having a hard time finding that hope inside me. I know it's there...I just need to find a way to bring it back out. I need to continue to fight and not let this defeat me. Please pray specifically that I get that hope and optimism back. Like I said before...this is the wonderful Christmas season and I need to enjoy this time with my husband, my family and my friends and be thankful for all that I DO have in life. All of you who are reading this that are parents....hug your children extra special tonight and be thankful for the wonderful miracle you have. Children are such miracles.