I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 1 Samuel 1:27

Monday, September 28, 2009

Blogging again...

It's been a while since I've written on this blog. I needed time. Time away to clear my head of the whole process and concentrate on finding peace and calmness.
I want to take this time to thank each and every one of you for reaching out to us. Some of you I haven't responded to your very sweet emails, and some of you I have...but nonetheless they have all meant so much to me...and I speak for Jason and myself when I say they have helped us through this very difficult situation. God puts special people in your life for a reason and I thank God every day for the wonderful people in our lives.

Now, on to the update.
This morning was our follow up appointment with Dr. H. To discuss the failed cycle and our next step. After 3 hours at that office this morning, our minds were more filled with information than ever. We will cycle again, and very soon...probably in the next 4 to 6 weeks. Again, all of the pieces have to fit together and be "just so" before the actual cycle begins. Did Dr. H. share in our disappointment? Absolutely. She seemed as let down as we were over our results. She didn't even expect the outcome we got. I was a text book case up until the end. I responded beautifully to the medication and produced a great number of eggs, right on target for my age. But something just didn't match up.
I had what's called a bio-chemical pregnancy. Basically I was pregnant for a very short time...and the embryo just didn't survive. We may never know the reason (that's for God to know) however, they are running more tests. They are checking my auto-antibodies to make sure my body isn't attacking the embryo. They took blood today and we will know the results of that next week. And for Jason....they suggested we have a test run called SCSA (Sperm Chromatin Structure Assay) This test is voluntary, isn't covered by insurance, costs $375, and takes about 2 weeks for the results to come back. Basically the test checks the DNA fragmentation of the sperm to ensure there aren't any genetic factors in the sperm. It is very possible for a man and a woman to have the best relationship ever...but genetically it's just not meant for them to have biological children. I panicked and thought - are we those people?! I asked Dr. H. if she thought that was our situation and she doesn't feel so. She said we had 2 viable healthy embryos and wouldn't classify us as "genetically incompatible". Nonetheless....they want to run the genetic test...just to rule out any possible problems. One thing Jason and I have said from the beginning....any test they want to run, we are going to have it run. We would hate to look back one day and wonder "what if".
In the beginning we were given a success rate of 85% of taking home a baby. Now, it's more like 50%. Those are odds that I figured decreased after our failed cycle....and Jason and I have to keep saying....50% is better than 40%. Positive thinking...positive attitudes, right? Easier said than done. What I'm struggling with now is ...remaining hopeful...but being realistic. I hope that makes sense. I want to keep my spirits up and my hopes up that this next cycle will work. But I have to keep part of my mind grounded and realistic. What if it doesn't work? I asked Dr. H. this and she said we will just have to re-evaluate the situation then.

My request is this, prayer warriors....
Pray for Jason and I to focus on this cycle on it's own...not about what happened before...not what might happen in the future....but this cycle. Period. I feel like that is the only way I can get through this.

There is more I could write about today....but I'm going to leave it at this for now. My mind is overloaded.

I'll keep you all updated as test results roll in.....
Hugs and love to you all!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Thoughts on the news...

Yesterday was a tough day indeed. I know we will have more tough days ahead of us, especially in the near future, while continuing to grieve over this cycle.
I got the news yesterday from our doctor. The details of trying to track down the news (terribly frustrating) aren't really important anymore...but the point is, it's always nice to be able to connect with the doctor one on one. Dr. H is one of great compassion and always has a calming sense to her voice. At a time like this you don't want an insensitive doctor, you want a caring and loving doctor and we have just that with her.
Anyway, she explained to me that my beta level went back down. She felt certain that the embryo did in fact implant...but couldn't survive. She said if there is one "positive" thing to focus on right now...it is that. Now we just have to figure out if there is anything differently that can be done next time to help it along a bit more. Yes, we do have another shot at this, another cycle included in what we have already paid for. But for now, we need to focus on my body healing from all the procedures, and all the hormones I've been taking. We go back September 28th for a post cycle visit and to map out the plan for next time. But it's looking like it will probably be November or December before the process starts up again. I know my body needs to heal during this time...but my emotions need to heal as well. A dear friend said to me yesterday - "you need this time to get excited about the process again". That is so true. I need to regain faith in this process...and regain excitement in the journey. All I feel right now is sadness and heartache. I'm going to allow myself time to grieve...time to be sad...time to cry.
It goes without being said....but Jason, once again, has been great and reminding me daily why I married him. He doesn't even have to say anything (frankly, he doesn't know WHAT to say, but what can you say right now) all he has to do is hug me or grab my hand and I know he's hurting right along with me.
I'm going to end this post today with the words from a card Jason and I got this morning from a group of our wonderful friends (complete with a whole basket of goodies...we love you guys). This card says it so perfectly and I had to share...

As You Go Through This...
Difficult things can cause us to ask,
"Why did this happen?"
But if we're trusting in Christ
we never need to ask,
"How could He let this happen?"
God may never reveal
all His reasons to us,
but He has revealed
His character to us.
His character assures us that
He never makes mistakes,
is never uncaring,
and that He never separates Himself
from our need.
The need you face is great,
but the grace that is yours
in Christ is even greater.
May your heart and your faith
stay fixed upon Him
as you go through this difficulty.
Be assured that He is holding your
hand and will not let go!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Heavy heart...

Jason and I have heavy hearts today over the news that this IVF cycle didn't work. I want to write about this and share everything with you all...but right now I can't. I'm still processing it all and going through the initial grieving process. I will write an update soon. Thank you for all of the prayers. We need our support team more than ever right now.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Prayers for an answer...

I go back tomorrow morning for another round of blood work. And praying that this test reveals an answer. Is our precious child growing inside of me....or is God telling us it's not time yet? Either way we just pray for an answer...some clarity... Each part of this process I think is the hardest....this waiting is definitely the hardest. Such uncertainty...wanting to be positive...but also wanting to prepare for either outcome. Yes, I know that if this cycle didn't work that we have another chance...but it's not that easy. I know I've said it before, but this is such an emotional and physical demanding process. My body is being pumped full of all sorts of things. Don't get me wrong...I wouldn't trade it for anything. We are doing this for a child, but it's emotionally and physically exhausting. At this point in time I'm still taking progesterone shots in the hips, every night. My hips are so sore it hurts when I sit down...it hurts when I lay on my side in bed...it just plain hurts. And the daily headaches....and my back is killing me...AHHH!!!!!!

Sorry for the complaining...I know I haven't done much of it on here, but it's just what's on my mind at the present moment. Pray for me to be calm and hopeful, and not focus on the pain.

Stay tuned....hopefully tomorrow we will have the results.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


More waiting....
This morning's blood test was inconclusive. Not "no"....but not "yes". The beta level would be 20 or above for a positive result and 5 or below for a negative result. My level was 16.3. Seriously?!?!? "Maybe" is the answer we got today. I go back on Friday for another blood test. This should clearly show the results. If the number continues to go up...then yes, success! But the number can still go back down. I can't help but feel that I'll be even more let down if the results Friday are negative. The nurse said that the embryo(s) could have just implanted late...therefore being too soon for it to show up on a test. I know that "maybe" is better than "no".... but it's all still up in the air....way up there...in God's hands. I have to remind myself of that constantly. God works in mysterious ways and for some reason he feels the need to continue to test me and Jason to our utmost potential.
So for now....y'all keep praying....and I'll keep reading Psalm 139.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support. I've been overwhelmed with emails, texts, and notes from so many people. Each one of you are playing a special role in this. God answers all prayers...in His time...in His way.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Psalm 139

Tomorrow is the big day....our results will be revealed. I've been anxiously and nervously awaiting to find out if this cycle worked or not. I've been extremely emotional the past couple days and I know tomorrow will prove no different. I have been looking for words of comfort today...to help me during this waiting period. I've been listening to some very uplifting music (Cedar's Gray...wonderful CD!) and then I came across an old email that my dad sent me. It's the whole bible on one page. You can click on any and every book/chapter of the bible and there pops up the coordinating verse. (isn't technology wonderful???) I was looking through Psalms and came across this....it really helped lift my spirits and remind me who is in charge here. I'm thankful that I have my faith to cling to during this time...without it I would be completely lost.

Read and enjoy.

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths,you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Thank you to all who have been (and continue to) praying for Jason and I. I know we have been lifted up by so many. Regardless of the outcome tomorrow I have to remember there is a master plan here. If I am pregnant, I pray that I don't forget to praise God for our good fortune. And if I'm not pregnant this cycle...then I pray I will not be angry at God and trust his timing.
I have found myself today not able to complete a prayer....when I've talked to God today it has been very sporadic....very choppy....can't complete a thought. A dear friend reminded me today that there are so many people praying for us...and that God knows my heart, I don't have to worry about stringing together a complete thought. Thank you Jenny. :)

Friday, September 4, 2009

Helpful thoughts...

I've been trying to come up with right words to say to express how I'm feeling during this anxious waiting period....
Then today a dear friend emailed me this. We aren't sure of the original author...but it's a writing that has been passed around through some mutual friends who are also encountering fertility issues. When I read it my eyes filled up with tears and I knew it was the perfect thing to share with all of you here, on this blog. I couldn't have written it better myself.

"what do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and me to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me not to have children. that's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I’m a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down. frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known."
~author unknown

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

All of our eggs are literally in one basket...

...for this cycle anyway....my uterus being the basket.
We found out today that the other 2 possible embryos didn't make it, so we did not end up with any to freeze. Therefore, if we don't get pregnant from this cycle...we will have to start over from the beginning. We were disappointed with this news and I can't help but feel sad. Of the 25 eggs they retrieved....only 2 became viable healthy embryos. Just more of an example how terribly confusing, frustrating, and mentally exhausting this process this is.
For now...I just have to keep my faith strong and keep reminding myself over and over that God has a plan here.
I'm going to keep this post short today....I'll write more in the coming days....I know I'll have more thoughts to share.

P.S....don't be afraid to flood me with scripture about hope and God's plan. I seem to need constant reminders.