Blogging again...

It's been a while since I've written on this blog. I needed time. Time away to clear my head of the whole process and concentrate on finding peace and calmness.
I want to take this time to thank each and every one of you for reaching out to us. Some of you I haven't responded to your very sweet emails, and some of you I have...but nonetheless they have all meant so much to me...and I speak for Jason and myself when I say they have helped us through this very difficult situation. God puts special people in your life for a reason and I thank God every day for the wonderful people in our lives.

Now, on to the update.
This morning was our follow up appointment with Dr. H. To discuss the failed cycle and our next step. After 3 hours at that office this morning, our minds were more filled with information than ever. We will cycle again, and very soon...probably in the next 4 to 6 weeks. Again, all of the pieces have to fit together and be "just so" before the actual cycle begins. Did Dr. H. share in our disappointment? Absolutely. She seemed as let down as we were over our results. She didn't even expect the outcome we got. I was a text book case up until the end. I responded beautifully to the medication and produced a great number of eggs, right on target for my age. But something just didn't match up.
I had what's called a bio-chemical pregnancy. Basically I was pregnant for a very short time...and the embryo just didn't survive. We may never know the reason (that's for God to know) however, they are running more tests. They are checking my auto-antibodies to make sure my body isn't attacking the embryo. They took blood today and we will know the results of that next week. And for Jason....they suggested we have a test run called SCSA (Sperm Chromatin Structure Assay) This test is voluntary, isn't covered by insurance, costs $375, and takes about 2 weeks for the results to come back. Basically the test checks the DNA fragmentation of the sperm to ensure there aren't any genetic factors in the sperm. It is very possible for a man and a woman to have the best relationship ever...but genetically it's just not meant for them to have biological children. I panicked and thought - are we those people?! I asked Dr. H. if she thought that was our situation and she doesn't feel so. She said we had 2 viable healthy embryos and wouldn't classify us as "genetically incompatible". Nonetheless....they want to run the genetic test...just to rule out any possible problems. One thing Jason and I have said from the beginning....any test they want to run, we are going to have it run. We would hate to look back one day and wonder "what if".
In the beginning we were given a success rate of 85% of taking home a baby. Now, it's more like 50%. Those are odds that I figured decreased after our failed cycle....and Jason and I have to keep saying....50% is better than 40%. Positive thinking...positive attitudes, right? Easier said than done. What I'm struggling with now is ...remaining hopeful...but being realistic. I hope that makes sense. I want to keep my spirits up and my hopes up that this next cycle will work. But I have to keep part of my mind grounded and realistic. What if it doesn't work? I asked Dr. H. this and she said we will just have to re-evaluate the situation then.

My request is this, prayer warriors....
Pray for Jason and I to focus on this cycle on it's own...not about what happened before...not what might happen in the future....but this cycle. Period. I feel like that is the only way I can get through this.

There is more I could write about today....but I'm going to leave it at this for now. My mind is overloaded.

I'll keep you all updated as test results roll in.....
Hugs and love to you all!