I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 1 Samuel 1:27

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Whatever normal is...

I got a call this afternoon from the doctor's office. All my bloodwork from last week came back....it was all normal. Normally this is a good thing and don't get me wrong...I'm glad nothing is wrong....but there was a part of Jason and I that were hoping something would come back showing an answer. Some sort of explaination for my poor quality eggs. But we have no answers and probably will never get an answer. Frankly, there just aren't any more tests they can run to determine any other problems. All this does is bring the emotion of this whole experience to the surface again. Emotionally I feel like I take two steps forward and then two steps back. I know God is closing this door....but opening a window. That is how I feel....but I'm still struggling with the anger and frustration of it all. On top of all of this I'm battling a cold or a sinus infection or something.....and I've just felt yuck. I started on a z-pack this afternoon so hopefully that will help me feel better. I'm ready to just feel back to normal....whatever normal is.

On another note...Jason and I are headed to Atlanta this weekend for Resolve's Family Building Conference . We don't really know what to expect...but we are excited about this event. We hope we can walk away with some valuable information and maybe some additional understanding of our situation. In just the short time of becoming involved with the organization Resolve, I've made some new friends. They all need prayer right now...all for different reasons. I know God brought all these women into my life and I'm honored to now be a part of their lives.

On a BRIGHT note...Jason and I are officially paid up for our Bahamas trip in June. The weight loss journey has begun...however, this nasty cold has set me back just a bit. :( 7 weeks to tropical bliss........

Thank you all for your continued prayers for our journey.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


...that's pretty much how we feel in the Oliver house....our hearts are breaking. Today was our follow up appointment with our doctor. Jason and I were praying for some glimmer of hope that they could give us towards another chance at a biological child. But when the doctor basically throws her hands up and has no answers...what can you do? For some reason my body will not produce mature good quality eggs...and there is no reason behind it. There is really no test they can run to determine what the cause is. However, they did draw blood today to test for a few antibodies. They are testing for antiovarion antibodies (pre-menopause) and they are actually testing for a lupus anticoagulant. Even if I tested positive for that doesn't necessarily means I have lupus...it's just another antibody they are checking. Dr. H. does not think any of these will come back positive...but it's just something they can test to narrow down any speculation of what might be wrong. Minus the fact that I have no fallopian tubes...everything else has been picture perfect so obviously something else is wrong, however, there's nothing else they can do for us. 

Yes, Jason and I are fully aware that we have other options to becoming parents (i.e. adoption, embryo adoption, etc) but we are taking time to grieve over the fact that we will never have a child that is biologically Jason and Kara's. For years this has been my worst fear....imagine your worst fear coming true. You fall in love and you get married and you long for a child that is the perfect combination of you and your spouse. I longed for a child with my creative ability and Jason's determination. My long eyelashes, and Jason's great skin. My quirky personality and Jason's sense of humor.
For right now we don't know what is next for us. We did talk to our doctor about embryo adoption. It's basically like adoption but you get embryos that couples donate who have had successful IVF cycles. The program that is offered at our doctor's office is actually pretty affordable compared to what we've already paid...however it's a 2 year waiting period. There is another organization in Tennesse that handles embryo adoption but at first glace at their information it's pretty expensive. And of course there is adoption of the more common kind...and are minds are open to that possibility as well. I honestly do not know what the future holds...but I do know that this is not the end of "The Oliver's Journey". There will be more chapters to come and I pray that you all will follow us every step of the way. This blogging experience has been one I wouldn't change. I know everyone does not agree with me putting all of this private intimate information out there for the world to read...but it has truly helped me and I know for a fact that it has inspired others facing this same difficult road.

We do have some immediate plans that I'd like to share that we are both pretty excited about. May 1st Jason and I will be attending a family building conference in Atlanta. This conference is put on by RESOLVE (the infertility organization) and we are hoping to walk away with some valuable information on whatever may lie next on our journey. Then in June we are going to the Bahamas! We are very much looking forward to this MUCH needed vacation.

Oh, one last thing for now....a reader asked that I post on here some of mine and Jason's favorite resturants...so here's the answer to that question....Surin (280), Leonardo's, PF Changs. Hope that helps!

For now we are just going to pray about what is next and hopefully God will direct us to the right decision that is best for us. Again, thank you all for the continued support, love and prayers.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Obviously my mind isn't 100% clear after the news broke yesterday......but I have had some time to reflect on the situation and try to wrap my mind around my feelings. Between the tears...the kleenax...and the swollen puffy eyes...I'm trying to focus on the things I told myself from the beginning that I would focus on if this cycle didn't work. For starters.......losing this weight. Fertility drugs are no joke and I've gained about 20 pounds in the past year. I'm past the point of being mad at myself for not exercising more...blah, blah, blah. It is what it is and now I can focus on losing the weight and get back to the size I want to be. For the most part it's something I can control and I need to feel back in control of some aspects of my life. Hmmm...well sitting here I can't think of what else is on my list...(my mind is a bit jumbled) but I think the weight loss goal is enough for starters.

A lot of you have asked what is next for our journey. We have a follow up appointment with Dr. H. on Tuesday to discuss everything. We aren't sure what her recommendations will be...but anxious to hear what she has to say. I'm sure Jason and I will be armed with lots of quetions for her. A lot would have to change in the course of treatment for me to agree to do a 3rd round of IVF. I just can't put myself...Jason...my emotions...my body...my heart through it all again...unless there is something they can treat me for that could result in better quality eggs. I don't even know if that is possible. After our appointment we are just going to take some time for US...take a step back and then after some time decide what to do next.

As for how I'm feeling......well.....it ain't pretty. It's unexplainable. The emotions are gut wrenching and this is without a doubt the hardest situation I've ever encountered in my life. All I can do is ask God to pick me up and carry me. The sadness in my heart...and Jason's heart is just pitiful. I know in time the wounds will heal but there are definitely going to be scars left on our hearts.

Thoughout this storm....our family and friends have really been our light. I cannot even express in words how meaningful all of the emails, calls, texts, Facebook messages, blog comments, real hugs, virtual hugs, cards, gifts have been. There isn't a lot about my life that I understand...but what I DO know is that God has blessed me above and beyond with an amazing support system. 

I'd like to say a special thank you and I love you to my husband. Your courage and your strength and your love has been validated to me every day...God blessed me with an amazing husband and I couldn't ask for anything more. Whatever lies ahead for us next...I'm just glad we are going to explore it together. Thank you for holding me when I cry and making me laugh when I am sad.

Stay tuned for whatever is next in The Oliver's Journey....

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I'm not pregnant....
I will write more later but I wanted to get the news out to our faithful readers.

I'm chosing to keep my eyes focused on God...but I'm going to take some time to grieve.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Hopeful and humble...

I am hopeful that tomorrow's test results reveal a miracle is growing inside of me.

I am humbled by the work God is doing on my heart.

If you had told me this time last week that the afternoon before my test I would be cool, calm and collected I would have laughed in your face. And then I'm sure I would have cried. You see, I have been a ball of emotions for the past 6 weeks. But something has changed within me. God has been working overtime in continously telling me He is in control and revealing himself time after time. I'm sure He's done this all along but I've been too wrapped up to notice. I didn't take the time to LISTEN. I have cried out to Him thousaunds of times but I finally stopped to listen. It's like He's given me a breath of fresh air. Trust me...don't be afraid. Only He knows the outcome tomorrow and I can honestly say I'm prepared...I'm armed with whatever comes our way tomorrow.

I have been listening to the music of John Waller today. He is a fabulous Christian artist that has some amazing song lyrics. I want to share some lyrics that I wrote down to help me not lose track or focus.

*I will uphold you, just trust me with all your heart.
*Cling to the peace that guards your heart.
*Cling to the promise though you will stumble, you will not fall.
*Thou will keep me in perfect peace when my mind is stayed on you.

Obviously I don't always understand the things we all have to go through...but I have a reaffirmed faith and trust in God's plan. Bring it on.... I'm not afraid anymore.

Friday, April 9, 2010

I made a purchase yesterday...

For a while now I have been hearing a lot about Max Lucado's book Fearless. By no means am I a "reader". I read magazines...read blogs...read daily devotionals...but I've never been one to sit down with a good book and get lost in the pages. A dear friend sent me a video link of Max Lucado talking about his book Fearless. Ok God...I hear you...go buy the book. :) I'm very excited about sitting down and reading these pages. "Imagine your life without fear" it says on the front cover. Wow...how nice would that be??? God is tugging at my heartstrings...I just know it. I remember earlier this week crying out to God...please....give me a sign to help me through this...I need help. I truly believe this is His way of answering me. Read the book Kara...read the book.

I can't wait to share my review of this book when I'm done. Stay tuned...

Monday, April 5, 2010

Prayers for positive thinking...

Well, today was embryo transfer. We ended up with one mid-grade embryo...and one that was not really grade worthy. However, both were transfered today. Obviously it was a huge let down that we didn't get better results. Dr. H. seems to think that there could be something wrong with my ovaries. I have no idea what that could be...it seems they've tested me for everything under the sun...but she really expected me to respond better than I have considering "on paper" everything has been great. She did say that she has had patients get pregnant from these quality of embryos. SO.........the bottom line is...while the odds aren't probable....it is still POSSIBLE for me to get pregnant from this transfer today. Without having any embryos left over to freeze...that means if I don't get pregnant from this cycle that is the end of the road for this shared risk plan. Will we go through another round of IVF? I have no idea. For now we are trying to just focus on this current cycle. I go back next Wednesday for my blood test to find out if I'm pregnant. Every part seems like the "hardest part"....but this definitely is. Jason and I have done everything possible we can to aide in the success of this...its all in God's hands now.

I am off work all of this week for rest, rest, and more rest. Please pray for my attitude to stay positive. It's so easy right now to just cry and already say it's not going to work...but I know deep down that I believe in miracles and there very well could be one happening inside me at this very moment. I'm just so afraid of getting let down again. But this is part of the process....I have to just trust His plan. 

Saturday, April 3, 2010

And then there were FOUR!

Got a message early this morning from one of the embryologists. We now have FOUR cleaved embryos! One of the "unresponsive" embryos from Thursday pulled through and caught up to the other 3. So...for now we have 4 embies growing. (it's so crazy to me that 4 potential babies are growing in a petridish across town and not inside my body...) They said all 4 are in the grade range they like to see for this time...although, they didn't tell me what grade. I can't get a hold of anyone there now so I'm just going on what the voicemail told me. Still, anything can happen between now and Monday's transfer. We could get there any only have 1 viable embryo...or we could have all 4...it just depends. I'm really working on reminding myself that God has this under control. There is nothing Jason and I can do at this point except wait for our appointment on Monday.

The greatest miracle of all is being celebrated this weekend....I pray that Easter will always remind Jason and I of another great miracle as well. A child.

Friday, April 2, 2010

While I'm waiting..

I found this song on a new friend's blog. A fellow friend who is waiting on their miracle. I couldn't have needed these lyrics more today. It REALLY spoke to me today....I know it's God revealing himself through others.

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Lord, hear our prayers...

Here's the run down of our first report:
18 eggs retrieved
7 were mature*
3 fertilized embyos
*the remaing 4 are still "to be determined" they didn't test positive or negative...so it is possibe that by Saturday we could have more embryos.

When I first got the call earlier they told me we were dropped from the shared risk program because we didn't meet the criteria of 8 mature eggs. This news sent me into a tailspin because we would owe more money...thousands of dollars in more money that Jason and I just don't have. Since then, that information has been cleared up from Dr. H herself. They apologized profusely for giving us that misinformation. Since we met the criteria during cylce 1...we are still in shared risk. So, that is a relief that we won't owe more  money. However, I am disappointed in our results. I know it only takes one...and these 3 embryos could be the best quality ever....but I'm still disappointed. We won't get a report tomorrow...but we will get a report on Saturday. This is such a crucial time right now. It's very possible that we get news that none of the 3 made it...which means there is nothing to transfer on Monday. But it's also possible that all 3 make it and are viable embryos.

As far as how I'm feeling physically....not too great. I'm still cramping pretty bad and I don't know what I was thinking by going to work today. I've since left work and am now resting in my bed...I'm about to medicate myself with some demerol and phenergan and hopefully drift off into sleepy time for a while. I'm just exhausted emotionally and physically.

So for now...faithful prayer warriors....please fall to your knees and lift us up. We need it more than ever at this moment.
Lord, hear our prayers...