God will not fulfill your dream immediately...

I love these daily devotional emails I get. I had to share this one I received this morning. I really needed to hear this....I am sure everyone can apply this to their life in some way or another.


God will not fulfill your dream immediately
Posted by Rick Warren
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3 (LB)

Even as you make a decision to follow the dream God places in your heart, you can expect a delay. God will not fulfill your dream immediately because this is another step toward building your faith. In Habakkuk 2, God says, "These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled." In this step of faith-building you will most likely start asking the question, "When, Lord? When are you going to answer my prayer?"And we hate to wait. We don't like to wait in a doctor's office, or in traffic jams, or at restaurants, or for Christmas presents, or for anything else. But what we hate worst of all is waiting on God.  Have you ever been in a hurry when God wasn't? It's so irritating! You're ready, but God isn't. God wants to work on you before he works on the project. Every believer must go through the University of Learning to Wait (ULW). Some of us are still working on our degrees from ULW!

Noah waited 120 years from the time he started building the ark until it began to rain.

Abraham was told he would be the father of a great nation and didn't have a child until he was ninety-nine.

God told Moses he would be the leader to lead his people out of four hundred years of slavery, but then made him wait in the desert forty years.

Joseph spent years in prison before God raised him up and he became the ruler God wanted him to be.

God had David anointed as king, but then David waited for years until he actually got to be king.

We all have to go through these waiting periods. Even Jesus waited for thirty years in the carpenter's shop before setting out on his public ministry. Why do we wait? It teaches us to trust in God. We learn that his timing is perfect. One of the facts we have to learn is this: God's delay never destroys his purpose. A delay is not a denial. Children must learn the difference between "no" and "not yet," and so must we. Many times we think God is saying, "No," but he is saying, "Not yet."

Random ramblings....

Wow, it has been quite a while since my last post...

I'm sure a lot of you are wondering how I'm doing...if I'm "really ok"...what I've been up to....well, here's an update on my life.

How am I doing? I really do feel good these days...emotionally I'm doing WAY better than in ancitpated this soon after our last IVF cycle. I've been laughing...making jokes...spending time with my family...spending time with my friends...cooking....all the things that make me feel "me". I've even started exercising. I'm learning that the older I get...the harder it is to lose weight. Add in all the fertility meds I've been on the last year...and it makes it EVEN harder. So I did some things to help...I bought an iPod. Best money I've spent in a LONG time (ok, except for some super cute shoes..but whatever). In using my iPod I've learned a few things about myself.....with my earbuds in...and the house to myself I think I can:
1) Sing like Lea Michele from Glee.
2) Dance as good as my friend Nicole.
3) Burn calories that would make my sister proud.

THEN...reality set in. I overdid it. Yep....pulled some muscles in my back/neck and as I type this I am sitting here with an icepack on my back. It's like it's always something. I take 2 steps forward and 2 steps back. Hopefully this won't get me down for long and I can get back to creating a consistant work out regime that I can stick to.

Jason and I leave for the Bahamas in about a month....so...all my focus lies there. We are so thankful that we are getting to go on a trip like this....it comes at the perfect time and it's the best medicine we could ask for. :) From now until then we are just taking time for ourselves...Jason is even golfing again. It's great that he's doing things that make him happy as well, and I know golf makes him happy. So often everyone focuses on how I'M doing...so it's nice that he's doing things for himself as well to lift his spirits.

As for what is the nex step on The Oliver's Journey???? We aren't sure. We know it involves adoption...we just aren't sure whether we will focus on embryo adoption or the more traditional adoption. Time & prayer will lead us to the right decision for us.

During the past few months I've really come to form a bond with some women I've met through RESOLVE. We help each other...listen...advise....cry together....pray for each other. I'm so thankful that these women have come into my life.

I've learned something else about myself during this experience....I am good at giving advice...I'm good at counseling...I'm good at talking about this infertility process. I've asked God for some direction during this journey and maybe this is Him trying to tell me I need to pursue this...maybe even a career. I want to share my story...inform others...help other women. How do I make that happen? I have no clue...but I need to try and figure it out. That is my prayer request, pray that God points me in the right direction and if this is where He is leading me, pray that some doors open for that to be possible. Maybe it's getting more involved with RESOLVE...maybe it's writing a book. These un-answered questions actually make me excited. Wow...me, excited? It's a nice feeling. :)

Get me off this roller coaster...

I'm tired. I'm so emotionally exhausted...it's like I've hit a brick wall. Frankly, I don't even know that I'm going to be able to write this post the way I want to...but I need to get it out while it's all the most fresh on my mind.

Yesterday was the RESOLVE Family Building Conference in Atlanta that Jason and I attended. First and foremost, I'm so glad that we made the decision to go to this event. What a great way to surround ourselves with the reassurance that we aren't alone...and it was a wonderful way to get a lot of information about the uncharted waters of adoption. There were 6 different opportunities during the day to attend breakout sessions...we could pick and choose what we wanted to attend. There were sessions on recurring pregnancy loss, IVF, surrogacy, edometriosis & PCOS, and then of course adoption. We chose to attend all the sessions we could on adoption. Domestic adoption, International adoption, How to be your own advocate in adoption, and Adoption home study. Before this event our knowledge on the topic of adoption was very limited. We've heard stories over the years from different people...but we really didn't know what all went into the process. I know there are people out there that think..."oh, you can't get pregnant? Just adopt"... kind of like..."just do IVF". It's not always as simple as the old Nike slogan. Let's just start with the home study. Like one of the social workers said yesterday - "Why do I need someone to come into my home and interview me to determine if we would be fit parents? No one who gets pregnant naturally ever has to prove that to anyone." That is such a strong statement..and oh so true. But I have to remind myself that if it were ME giving up a baby...I would want to make sure that the child was going to the best home possible. So, I can't focus on that part of the process to much. We did get a good idea though of what to expect for a home study. This is no overnight process...this is going to take time. Time to gather the appropriate documentation, time to prepare our finances, time to become educated on the ins and outs of this whole process.

With all of that being said...Jason and I aren't quite sure what is next for our journey. We are both so overwhelmed with information that we don't really know what we want to do. Something the conference didn't really touch on was embryo adoption. That is something we are really interested in and hoped there would have been a session on that yesterday. Snowflakes is an organization that came highly recommended from our doctor, which is a national embryo adoption organization. I'm going to take some time to research this option and consider it as an option. If we went the embryo adoption route and it worked...I would get to experience the whole process of actually being pregnant. Yes, biologically it wouldn't be our child, however I would get to bond with the baby for the duration of the pregnancy and that in itself sounds precious to me. Having just come off 2 rounds of failed IVF attempts though...it scares me about going through the transfer process again.

I know that Jason and I don't have to make any decisions TODAY...and frankly I know we both need to take some time to consider our options and just enjoy each other for a while. However, I don't want to wait too long....as I mentioned, this process is going to be a long road so the sooner we can get the process rolling, the better. It might be 2, 3, 4 years down the road before we get baby Oliver. All we can do for now is research and pray that God clears the path for us that He wants us to take.

We also attended a session yesterday called Strengthening Relationships During Infertility. We really enjoyed this session and I think we both walked away from it knowing that first and foremost, we need to focus on each other and communicate to each other how we feel. Sometimes that's easy and sometimes it's a difficult part. Obviously I'm on here all the time pouring out my emotions about everything...I realize it's not that easy for Jason. (let's face it...that's just men in general, right ladies?) But it's not always about the words...I know that Jason is emotionally in turmoil just like I am. I'm thankfully that he is a great husband and went with me yesterday...I think it was a great step for us.

We also really enjoyed spending time yesterday with two other couples that we have come to know from Birmingham through RESOLVE. Brandy & Eric...Liz & Brian....we are all in this together and we are thankful to have met you! I know we can all be great resources for each other.  :)

I know there is more I could share from yesterday...but that's all I got right now...I need a nap.

Whatever normal is...

I got a call this afternoon from the doctor's office. All my bloodwork from last week came back....it was all normal. Normally this is a good thing and don't get me wrong...I'm glad nothing is wrong....but there was a part of Jason and I that were hoping something would come back showing an answer. Some sort of explaination for my poor quality eggs. But we have no answers and probably will never get an answer. Frankly, there just aren't any more tests they can run to determine any other problems. All this does is bring the emotion of this whole experience to the surface again. Emotionally I feel like I take two steps forward and then two steps back. I know God is closing this door....but opening a window. That is how I feel....but I'm still struggling with the anger and frustration of it all. On top of all of this I'm battling a cold or a sinus infection or something.....and I've just felt yuck. I started on a z-pack this afternoon so hopefully that will help me feel better. I'm ready to just feel back to normal....whatever normal is.

On another note...Jason and I are headed to Atlanta this weekend for Resolve's Family Building Conference . We don't really know what to expect...but we are excited about this event. We hope we can walk away with some valuable information and maybe some additional understanding of our situation. In just the short time of becoming involved with the organization Resolve, I've made some new friends. They all need prayer right now...all for different reasons. I know God brought all these women into my life and I'm honored to now be a part of their lives.

On a BRIGHT note...Jason and I are officially paid up for our Bahamas trip in June. The weight loss journey has begun...however, this nasty cold has set me back just a bit. :( 7 weeks to tropical bliss........

Thank you all for your continued prayers for our journey.

Heartbroken...

...that's pretty much how we feel in the Oliver house....our hearts are breaking. Today was our follow up appointment with our doctor. Jason and I were praying for some glimmer of hope that they could give us towards another chance at a biological child. But when the doctor basically throws her hands up and has no answers...what can you do? For some reason my body will not produce mature good quality eggs...and there is no reason behind it. There is really no test they can run to determine what the cause is. However, they did draw blood today to test for a few antibodies. They are testing for antiovarion antibodies (pre-menopause) and they are actually testing for a lupus anticoagulant. Even if I tested positive for that doesn't necessarily means I have lupus...it's just another antibody they are checking. Dr. H. does not think any of these will come back positive...but it's just something they can test to narrow down any speculation of what might be wrong. Minus the fact that I have no fallopian tubes...everything else has been picture perfect so obviously something else is wrong, however, there's nothing else they can do for us. 

Yes, Jason and I are fully aware that we have other options to becoming parents (i.e. adoption, embryo adoption, etc) but we are taking time to grieve over the fact that we will never have a child that is biologically Jason and Kara's. For years this has been my worst fear....imagine your worst fear coming true. You fall in love and you get married and you long for a child that is the perfect combination of you and your spouse. I longed for a child with my creative ability and Jason's determination. My long eyelashes, and Jason's great skin. My quirky personality and Jason's sense of humor.
For right now we don't know what is next for us. We did talk to our doctor about embryo adoption. It's basically like adoption but you get embryos that couples donate who have had successful IVF cycles. The program that is offered at our doctor's office is actually pretty affordable compared to what we've already paid...however it's a 2 year waiting period. There is another organization in Tennesse that handles embryo adoption but at first glace at their information it's pretty expensive. And of course there is adoption of the more common kind...and are minds are open to that possibility as well. I honestly do not know what the future holds...but I do know that this is not the end of "The Oliver's Journey". There will be more chapters to come and I pray that you all will follow us every step of the way. This blogging experience has been one I wouldn't change. I know everyone does not agree with me putting all of this private intimate information out there for the world to read...but it has truly helped me and I know for a fact that it has inspired others facing this same difficult road.

We do have some immediate plans that I'd like to share that we are both pretty excited about. May 1st Jason and I will be attending a family building conference in Atlanta. This conference is put on by RESOLVE (the infertility organization) and we are hoping to walk away with some valuable information on whatever may lie next on our journey. Then in June we are going to the Bahamas! We are very much looking forward to this MUCH needed vacation.

Oh, one last thing for now....a reader asked that I post on here some of mine and Jason's favorite resturants...so here's the answer to that question....Surin (280), Leonardo's, PF Changs. Hope that helps!

For now we are just going to pray about what is next and hopefully God will direct us to the right decision that is best for us. Again, thank you all for the continued support, love and prayers.

Reflection...

Obviously my mind isn't 100% clear after the news broke yesterday......but I have had some time to reflect on the situation and try to wrap my mind around my feelings. Between the tears...the kleenax...and the swollen puffy eyes...I'm trying to focus on the things I told myself from the beginning that I would focus on if this cycle didn't work. For starters.......losing this weight. Fertility drugs are no joke and I've gained about 20 pounds in the past year. I'm past the point of being mad at myself for not exercising more...blah, blah, blah. It is what it is and now I can focus on losing the weight and get back to the size I want to be. For the most part it's something I can control and I need to feel back in control of some aspects of my life. Hmmm...well sitting here I can't think of what else is on my list...(my mind is a bit jumbled) but I think the weight loss goal is enough for starters.

A lot of you have asked what is next for our journey. We have a follow up appointment with Dr. H. on Tuesday to discuss everything. We aren't sure what her recommendations will be...but anxious to hear what she has to say. I'm sure Jason and I will be armed with lots of quetions for her. A lot would have to change in the course of treatment for me to agree to do a 3rd round of IVF. I just can't put myself...Jason...my emotions...my body...my heart through it all again...unless there is something they can treat me for that could result in better quality eggs. I don't even know if that is possible. After our appointment we are just going to take some time for US...take a step back and then after some time decide what to do next.

As for how I'm feeling......well.....it ain't pretty. It's unexplainable. The emotions are gut wrenching and this is without a doubt the hardest situation I've ever encountered in my life. All I can do is ask God to pick me up and carry me. The sadness in my heart...and Jason's heart is just pitiful. I know in time the wounds will heal but there are definitely going to be scars left on our hearts.

Thoughout this storm....our family and friends have really been our light. I cannot even express in words how meaningful all of the emails, calls, texts, Facebook messages, blog comments, real hugs, virtual hugs, cards, gifts have been. There isn't a lot about my life that I understand...but what I DO know is that God has blessed me above and beyond with an amazing support system. 

I'd like to say a special thank you and I love you to my husband. Your courage and your strength and your love has been validated to me every day...God blessed me with an amazing husband and I couldn't ask for anything more. Whatever lies ahead for us next...I'm just glad we are going to explore it together. Thank you for holding me when I cry and making me laugh when I am sad.

Stay tuned for whatever is next in The Oliver's Journey....

result:negative

I'm not pregnant....
I will write more later but I wanted to get the news out to our faithful readers.

I'm chosing to keep my eyes focused on God...but I'm going to take some time to grieve.