So today was one of the first really emotional days I've had since the actual IVF process started. I got the call this morning about the little eggs. Of the 25 eggs they retrieved.....13 were mature eggs and 8 of those fertilized. These numbers are totally normal and to be expected....so why am I upset?!??!? Why am I being so selfish in wanting more???? This whole time all we've asked for is one baby. ONE. All it takes is one healthy embryo to make a baby and I have to keep remembering that. We will know tomorrow how many embryos we have from the 8 eggs that fertilized. There's still so much to be determined and the next few days will tell so much. In an ideal world we'd love to have 2 healthy high grade embryos to transfer on Monday...and then 2 to freeze. So that's only four total. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
So why the emotional breakdown today? Maybe it's because I've been pumped full of different hormones the past few weeks....maybe it's slight feelings of anger that we are having to go through all of this...or maybe it's because I just need time to let all these tears out....to let my emotions pour out of me....I've heard crying therapy is good. Frankly, I think it's a culmination of all of these things. I have so many emotions running through me right now.
When I first started this blog I told myself I didn't care if no one ever read it. It was a journaling tool for me to use to get my emotions out. After writing for a while now I've realized that's not true. I want people to read this...I NEED people to read this. So many of you are holding me accountable for my beliefs....and are reminding me how strong, brave, and graceful I've been thus far in the process. If I wasn't sharing my story...I wouldn't be reminded of this. We all need strong faithful friends during the good times and the bad....and while this isn't necessarily a BAD time...it's a tough time....and I need my support team to remind me to be strong in my faith....to remind me that this is out of my hands, it's in God's hands. He has a plan and I have to trust Him. It's just hard right now when I don't know the outcome. That's why they call it blind faith, right?
No doubt, the next few days will be tough. Tomorrow we will know more information about what we are "working with" so to speak. Please pray that we are graced with some healthy, high quality embryos. As to the exact number...that is up to God and His plan.
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The best therapy to me is to cry when you need to cry. I can't say that enough. I used to try and be strong and hold it in but finally I decided it didn't matter, just let it out. And you know each time I did I felt so much better! We are all still here praying for you and hoping for the best outcome. Just try and be strong, I know that's hard, can't even imagine the feelings your having and what your going through. It truly breaks my heart your having to go through it all. I'm great at giving at advice just not great at taking my own or others but know God has a plan and he loves you and Jason both and I know yall will be parents and will be the best parents a kid could ever want!
ReplyDeleteSweet Kara, you are doing so well! I am proud of you for not only including us on this journey but being willing to share the downs as well as the ups. It's so easy to make everyone think that we've got it all together, but in sharing our struggles, you allow others to come alongside and hold us up...I love you dear, and I'm praying for you, J, and Baby Oliver every day in the shower!
ReplyDeleteCry girl, cry, let it out!!!! You are an amazing woman and your strength through all of this has constantly shown through!
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